Growing up with narcissistic parents isn’t easy
Living with a narcissistic parent, either a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father, is an emotional roller coaster. Life is very much like a movie, where the parent creates all sorts of problems for their children to deal with. Not only concrete problems, but also emotional problems – also known as narcissistic emotional abuse -, that the children will have to endure and later try to fix.
Having a narcissistic parent is a very complex issue, because the family life is not public, it is secret and hidden from the eyes of others. Because of that, children start believing that their life is normal, and that everyone around them has the same types of issues.
All of the emotional abuse happens in private, and anybody from the outside notices, which results in a big problem later on, because these children learned have to face all their problems all by themselves, because “parents are always above their children”, because “children need to show respect towards their parents”, because “children can’t argue with their parents”. Even if they are being lied to on a daily basis about literally everything.
Because the behaviour happens privately and becomes normal to the child, a reality check based on repeated family patterns can help make the situation clearer.
Generally, many children don’t see reality for what it is until they reach a certain age. Many times, it happens when they reach their 20’s, when our brains are fully developed. Children and teens perceive reality through a different lens. This is why it is hard for them to realise and perceive what is wrong with their parents. They might know they are a bit too dramatic, or like to argue a lot, or that they have a strong temper. But they don’t really understand that their parents are narcissists and know exactly why they behave the way they do.
If these children become adults and believe everything that their parents have been telling them, they will continue to see their mother or father as “normal”, because they don’t really know that something is wrong with them. Because of that, these children will develop a specific set of traits and behaviours that can become part of them for their whole lives – if they don’t understand that their parents are really not that “normal”, that they have been treating them badly, and that many things are not as acceptable as they might think – because they never really saw them as having any kind of problem, because they got used to that behavior throughout their whole lives.
Before you start, this post is part of a series of posts about the Narcissistic Parents topic:
1. How to know if you were raised by Narcissistic Parents? (Evaluation of your family situation): analyze your life up until this point with concrete examples for you to introspect on your family issues.
2. Signs, Traits and Behavior of Narcissistic Parents (Evaluation of the signs of Narcissism): specific information about narcissistic signs and the behaviour they use on their children, with a list at the end.
3. How Narcissistic Parents Affect their Child (Evaluation of Self this is the current post you are reading.
How narcissistic (abusive) parenting affects your whole life?
Having a narcissistic parent means that you have been facing emotional manipulation and emotional abuse basically your whole life.
And you became used to being emotionally abused.
And that emotional manipulation affects you, your personality, and the way you see the world. On a daily basis.
You’ve been used to living with people who constantly dismiss your thoughts, opinions, feelings, ideas, needs. A kind of a mental torture, where your whole identity is slowly being erased.
Living in a family where there is a narcissistic mother or father means that you didn’t get the love, attention, support you needed to be a normal child. The narcissistic parent doesn’t have the empathy towards their child the way normal people have.
They see their child as only extensions of themselves. And because we need our parents to help us build ourselves and our views of reality, when that love and support is missing, it can leave marks forever, if they go untreated.
After years and years of putting through with so much damage, you eventually developed ways to adapt yourself and to handle the situations around your family in a smooth as possible way.
This adaptation is now part of you. That is why it’s very important to learn about this kind of abuse, because if we have no idea of it, we just go through life repeating the same errors, having abusive relationships and not realising that it’s the pattern that we have been taught to follow. With our relationships, our friends, our coworkers.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse are too complacent with others, always trying to smooth everything. It’s very painful to say “no” when needed, very hard to treat older people without excessive respect, which can lead to them taking advantage because they simply can’t be “rude” or respond to them to defend themselves. They want to do it, but there is always something that keeps them blocked. This of course can lead to all kinds of abuse that is not just emotional.
Victims of this kind of abuse have been brainwashed their whole lives to perform, to always be too nice.
Therefore, the first step, is acknowledging these behaviours, in order to change your life as a survivor from narcissistic parents.
Common traits, behaviors, and lasting impacts on children of narcissistic parents
Here are the common traits and behaviors that children from narcissistic parents adopt into their lives:
People‑pleasing and peace‑seeking behaviors developed in response to an easily angered narcissistic parent
This was a survival behaviour every child with a narcissistic mother or father had to adopt in order to maintain peace and to not infuriate the strong-tempered narcissistic parent.
If they didn’t do what their parent wanted, they would have to face the consequences of having no chances to fight back or to protect themselves.
Whenever their narcissistic parent heard something against their opinion coming from their own child, there were automatically rage attacks, screaming, crying, blaming, etc. So the child eventually understood that it would be best not to engage in any type of argument, opinion, idea, that would go against their “authority” figure. Because they knew the consequence would be rage, emotional manipulation, blame, guilt, and other forms of coercive behavior.
Over time, because this pattern persisted throughout their entire childhood, it became an ingrained behavior – one that can continue into adulthood unless it’s consciously acknowledged and consciously interrupted. By now, responding this way feels natural, especially when facing adversity, conflict, authority figures, or older individuals.
This constant monitoring of the parent’s emotions is also one of the clearest signs of being raised by a narcissistic parent.
Inability to maintain healthy boundaries when faced with anger or aggression directed toward them
Once again, this is people‑pleasing behavior just expressed in a different scenario.
They may struggle to stand their ground when confronted by people who behave aggressively or try to pressure them into something.
They often feel unable to push back against negative or hostile people. Violence, conflict, and aggression become things they deeply avoid, sometimes to the point of feeling paralyzed in situations where assertiveness is necessary.
This pattern can lead them into relationships with partners (men or women) who are emotionally or physically abusive. These partners may feel familiar to the narcissistic parent they grew up with. In such relationships, they may try to soften the abuse, rationalize it, or make excuses for the other person’s behaviour.
Without the ability to assert boundaries, they can become trapped in the same repeating cycle.
For them, even small signs of affection can feel like “more love than they ever had in childhood.” Combined with the low self‑esteem shaped by years of unhealthy parenting, they may genuinely believe that the abusive partner loves them.
They will dismiss the negative signs, minimise the harm, or assume blame for the partner’s actions.
These are repeating patterns: the same ones they developed with their narcissistic parent, who blamed them for everything. Over time, the child internalised the idea that whatever happened around them was somehow their fault, and this belief carries forward into adulthood unless it is consciously recognised and healed.
Familiarity can make unhealthy behaviour feel normal or even emotionally compelling. This is one of the lasting effects narcissistic abuse can have on adult relationships.
Self‑doubt becomes a real and constant presence
Why? Because their narcissistic parents used to control everything. These parents constantly monitored what their child was doing, questioned every single action or decision. As a result, the child never developed confidence in their own judgment. Instead, they learned to second‑guess themselves and to seek approval or “permission” from an authority figure before making any choices.
Over time, this becomes an automatic pattern: before acting, they feel the need to check whether their decision is “right,” “acceptable,” or “safe.” Their internal compass was never allowed to form naturally, because the parent’s control.
Self-doubt also originates from lack of empathy. The child’s needs were never really heard, the child never really felt understood or loved. There was always something off.
The consequences of this kind of parenting is a constant sense of self-doubt: about their lives, their decisions, their own worth.
This doubt lead to unbalanced romantic relationships, where too often, they select manipulative partners who gaslight them and invalidate their needs, their wishes, their skills, and so on.
The consequences are enormous. And extend through all social aspects of life. Because self-doubt is always present, so the person unconsciously shows to others that they are not confident. This leaves room to social predators and people who look for weak people to exploit. And due to their difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, combined with their people‑pleasing tendencies and desire to keep the peace, they struggle to push back or protect themselves. It’s a perfect recipe for disaster, if we don’t do anything to change this.
It is a cycle. One behavior leads to another.
People who go through the process of discovery, develop a strong sense to feel dangerous people around, and become extremely confident, leave zero room for any type of abusive, aggressive, manipulative person to even come close.
That is the best part: understanding the patterns, learning to stand your ground, and stopping them. Because you can see these patterns so clearly – having been exposed to them for years – you can actually use that awareness to your advantage. After so much manipulation and conditioning, you recognise the signs instinctively. This gives you an ability many others don’t have: you can quickly identify people with bad intentions, set boundaries early, and remove yourself from dangerous situations.
Once you become conscious of the signs you already know so well, this becomes an incredible skill. What was once a vulnerability becomes a form of insight and protection.
Constantly feeling guilt, shame, and a sense of “not being” or “doing enough”
Due to the constant control, criticism, and pressure to achieve more from their narcissistic parents, these survivor‑children often feel ashamed simply for relaxing or enjoying themselves without worry.
They may fear opening up emotionally to others. They often feel a persistent need to be perfect, to perform, or to prove themselves.
This internal pressure comes from years of being told, directly or indirectly, that whatever they did was not enough. As adults, even ordinary rest or play can trigger guilt or shame, because they were conditioned to believe that comfort, ease, or emotional openness were signs of weakness or irresponsibility.
They also grow to fear being in the spotlight. A narcissistic parent sees the child as an extension of themselves, not as an independent person. So if the child begins to shine – showing talent, joy, confidence, or success – the parent may immediately try to put them down. Because of this, these survivors learned from a young age that expressing happiness, joy, enthusiasm, or pride was a “bad thing.”
The narcissistic parent always made sure for their kids to never show too much. Never be too happy. Never be too proud. They were taught to suppress themselves:
to avoid being too happy,
too loud,
too emotional,
too expressive,
too relaxed,
too successful,
too proud.
The narcissistic parent made sure the child never showed “too much,” conditioning them to believe that visibility, joy, or self‑expression would lead to punishment, criticism, or humiliation.
The narcissistic parent always made sure to disturb the peace, make bad comments, create drama out of thin air, making sure their child felt bad for even existing.
They will constantly hear that their parent has done “so much for them,” and that they should be grateful for having basic necessities, you know, things that are actually mandatory responsibilities for any mother or father. But narcissistic parents frame these obligations as favors. Because they are deeply entitled, they present providing a roof, food, or clothing as extraordinary acts of generosity. These basic survival needs become weapons in arguments, used to guilt the child into compliance or silence, as if ensuring their child’s safety and well‑being were not the bare minimum required of any parent.
On a brighter side, once these feelings of constant shame, guilt, and “feeling bad for everything” are acknowledged, life begins to change. When you recognise that they cannot keep making you feel guilty for wanting, needing, or craving natural, human things you deserve and have a right to, you become less stressed about everything. Finding friends and loved ones who help you relax and feel at ease, without being controlling, is incredibly important. You’ve already lived through enough control. What you need now is freedom, happiness, distance from your narcissistic parents, enjoyment of your hobbies, fulfillment in your work, rest, and the ability to be more open with your emotions.
Find people who aren’t controlling, but instead positive, carefree, open‑minded, and empathetic. This becomes essential.
You’ve already endured enough control in your life. Because of that, you may have a tendency to over‑judge yourself, it feels normal because it was ingrained in you from childhood. Having supportive people around you helps balance your perspective, reminding you that you are allowed to feel proud of who you are, what you want, and what you bring to the world.
Anxiousness and insecurity towards emotional expression, love and emotional intimacy
Because of the lack of all the healthy dynamics mentioned above, the survivors of early narcissistic family abuse often don’t learn how to express emotions or love in a healthy way.
This makes adolescence and early adulthood a crucial time for recognizing that they absolutely do not need someone who is emotionally cold, difficult to open up, overly controlling, overly critical, imposing, or domineering. They don’t need someone similar to themselves, or similar to their mother or father. It’s important to recognise the signs, because people with these traits will only increase their stress and reinforce old wounds.
What they truly need is the opposite:
someone positive, relaxed, less anxious and tense, more emotionally open, and more understanding.
A person who allows them to express themselves freely and without judgment, whether that person is a friend or a romantic partner.
Break free from the pattern
Children of narcissistic parents need to break the instinct of going after people that are like their narcissistic parents and find someone with whom they will be easily comfortable, at home, at ease, able to open up to their emotions, someone different from the people they are used to.
Make it a conscious decision!
This needs to be a conscious decision. You must actively pick up the signals and check whether there are similarities with your narcissistic mother or father and the people you meet in your new relationships.
The tendency to gravitate toward familiar personalities (people who resemble what you grew up with)
will feel natural and automatic. That’s why awareness is essential. It has to be a deliberate, conscious choice to notice the signs and avoid repeating the same patterns.
Otherwise, if you don’t become conscious of why you feel that “instant chemistry” or that strong pull toward a particular man or woman, the cycle will continue.
Your anxiety will persist, your insecurities will grow, and you’ll remain unhappy. The pattern won’t break, because you’re naturally drawn to what feels familiar – the same kind of behaviour you grew up with. Familiarity can feel like connection, even when it’s harmful.
Just remember: you cannot change someone’s core personality. You cannot reshape an entire way of being. Entering a relationship believing you will change someone is a major and misleading trap.
Find people that are different from what you are used to
The best advice to deal with this anxiety and insecurity is to find someone nurturing, warm, empathetic, nice, non-controlling, and free of possessive or protectionist tendencies – someone who is not mysterious, not emotionally unavailable, and not closed off.
A friend or partner must be someone that is open, understanding, secure of their emotions, doens’t play hit and run games, and isn’t cold.
Find someone who brings you joy, happiness, and love – not control, criticism, emotional shutdown, aggressive fights, possessiveness, jealousy, or any of the patterns you grew up with. You deserve relationships that feel safe, supportive, and emotionally open, not ones that recreate the pain of your past.
To conclude
It is extremely important for anyone who believes their parent is a narcissist to become fully conscious of every relationship they form.
Look closely at every person you’ve gotten close to and analyse how that relationship worked. Who was the leading one? Was the relationship genuinely pleasant, or did you constantly have to adjust yourself to meet the other person’s needs?
This habit of accommodating others, often at the expense of your own well‑being, is one of the most common traits left in children of narcissistic parents. Once you acknowledge it, once you truly see how you act around people, how you speak, and how you present yourself, you begin to understand why certain relationships have felt unpleasant or draining.
And that’s when the reversal process can finally begin.
Recognising these behaviours gives you somewhere to begin, but changing them requires deliberate distance, boundaries and rebuilding your own judgement.
Start with these steps for recovering your life after narcissistic parenting.
The journey is long, it will take a lot of time, but the process of rebuilding ourselves back is real, we can do it, we can rewire our thoughts, and consequently, our actions. Start doing the things you never thought you could, little by little. Draw a list of things you’d like to do before you die. Even if it scares you. Those are really the ones that you should focus on and try to pursue.
Start living your life, get your life back, away from your parents’ system and find people to talk to about this – a specialist who will really help overcome this; friends; communities online like reddit (“raised by narcissists“, “offmychest“, “narcissisticabuse“, just to name a few).
Wish you all the best of the best, you deserve to be you!
Stay healthy and curious!
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This article is intended for informational and self-reflection purposes. It cannot determine whether a parent has narcissistic personality disorder and should not be used to diagnose yourself or another person. If you are struggling with emotional abuse, trauma or difficult family relationships, consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional with experience in narcissistic abuse.
