Is my mother or father a narcissist? – How to tell

The narcissist parent: Traits and signs of narcissistic abuse

Are you having some kind of family issues lately that have urged you to google if something is wrong in your family? Perhaps you have heard about narcissism and are trying to figure out if your mother or father is a narcissist and learn about the traits of narcissistic parents?  

Here I will give you ways for you to try answering those questions on your own. Asking yourself “Is my mom or dad really a narcissist?” can feel terrifying after a lifetime together, but it’s still important to understand whether there is a problem and how you can cope with it.

Before focusing on a label, look at the repeated signs that you may have been raised by a narcissistic parent.

If you have a narcissist parent – a narcissistic mother or father -, it’s crucial to determine for yourself whether you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse throughout your whole life, or not.

From there, you can begin to understand the signs and traits of a narcissistic parent. Becoming aware of this behaviour is essential, because the cycle will continue into your adult life if you don’t acknowledge the full reality of the situation and learn to identify the typical patterns of narcissists.

The codependent parent and the narcissist parent

When we talk about a narcissistic family, it is important understand that this usually means one parent is the narcissist who displays narcissistic behaviour toward everyone, and the other parent becomes the codependent parent, or the enabler. They are considered codependent because narcissistic parents always need to win at everything. They project a constant need to be the leader of the family, often taking control and making all the major decisions.

The codependent parent is the one who allows this dynamic to continue and supports, excuses, or tolerates the narcissist’s behaviour. They rarely express dominance or challenge the narcissistic parent. This pattern can occur in any configuration: a narcissistic mother with a codependent father, or a narcissistic father with a codependent mother.

Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the California Polytechnic State University, says:
“Codependent relationships are a specific type of dysfunctional helping relationship.” Burn defines a codependent relationship as a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables the other person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Bellow I give you several questions that will help you introspect on your family issues.

Uncovering the signs of narcissistic abuse 

These questions can be applied to either your current family situation or your past — no matter your age or how much time has passed. What matters is that you’re already past your adolescent years.

Important note: Be very honest with yourself. Try to observe your mother’s or father’s behaviour as if you were an outsider looking in. Separate your emotional attachment as much as possible and focus on the facts — the situations, the patterns, and what truly happened.

Part 1 (out of 5) introspection exercise

• Do you have constant fights with your parent?
• Is there always drama, of any kind?
• Does one of your parents end up trying to look good in front of the other, making you look like the bad one?
• Situations escalate really quickly over minor things?
• Do you constantly fight to get some peace and time alone from one of your parents?
• Does your mother or father always get their way when you try to make your own point or stand your ground?
• How do the fights end? Who ends up being the one to accept their blame? You or them? What is the pattern? Is there a pattern? Is it always your fault or theirs at the end of the fights?
• After you express your own opinions, do you get accepted by your mother or father, or you have to struggle to make a point every time something is not according to their opinion?
• They always barge into your bedroom? Do they always demand things, asking for things, maybe insulting you directly or indirectly when you don’t go do the things they ask?

Part 2 (out of 5) introspection exercise

• Is it normal that they make you feel like you somehow are incapable of doing your own life decisions without their help and advice?
• Perhaps have you felt or do you feel the need to ask their approval before making any kind of important decision in your life? Is it a rule for them to decide on everything you should do in life?
• Have you or do you struggle to have your privacy as they always want to know where you are at all times, your plan for the day and don’t let you be a bit vaguer about what you are doing?
• Does it happen that they they micro-manage you somehow?
• Do you have to lie to them about a girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, situation, etc.? Does that happen because you already know there is no way there will be any kind of understanding from them? Or you just don’t feel prepared to expose your feelings to them all the time? Or you can’t stand the constant judgement that they will give you about what you will say to them?
• Whenever they are home, do you feel like you have no time for yourself? Does it so happen that they demand you being with them the whole time? Perhaps lecturing you on life? Perhaps forcing you to do activities you are tired of and don’t like?

Part 3 (out of 5) introspection exercise

• Has it become a thing that they blame you for their inability to deal with their everyday issues? (as if it is your responsibility to do things that parents should do)
• Take a close look at how they talk about other people and situations in their lives. Do they always and constantly end up blaming the other people, be it at work, or the doctor who was just so bad, or the friend that did this or that. Are others always to blame? Are they always criticising e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y but never themselves?
• Did it or does it happen that they constantly blame you for everything that happened wrong with them?
• After you achieved something and want to brag happily over things you have achieved, does it feel like you shouldn’t do it? Does it feel like they are jealous? Do they say things like “I also did that …” or “I used to know that too” or “I also this or that but…”?
• Can you have a genuine conversation where you point out what you didn’t like about them and they will just accept that and be really sorry for it? Without drama?
• Is it always difficult to convey your own opinion on any topic, especially when there is some kind of topic where your opinion doesn’t match with theirs? Does it usually turn into a big argument between you and them?
• Are you able to say that you need privacy and time alone? Can you just close your doors and do your work or just do nothing without them trying to make you feel guilty for closing your doors? Do they make you feel bad for trying to have some privacy and time for yourself?

Part 4 (out of 5) introspection exercise

• They happen to always try to have you available for them, no matter when and at what time? And then if you can’t, you feel terribly guilty for not helping them? Does that happen often? Then do you constantly feel guilty for not doing something for them? Did or do they blame you for not “loving” them enough?
• Somehow they always want to know what you are doing?
• Is it already a constant and recurrent thing that they make you look bad for believing in your opinions? Do they keep trying to change your thoughts and tell you how wrong you constantly are about things, ideas, beliefs? If you don’t back down or just agree with them (always) do they start to insult you directly or indirectly? Or say bad comments similar to “You are still too young to understand these kinds of things”? Basically trying to diminish you by saying you’re just too young – giving you no chance to ever fight back against that statement, as they will be forever older than you. Or do they say things like “Oh, you just say that now, but eventually you’ll understand you are wrong”? Or do they just become aggressive if you don’t accept their opinions as your own?
• Is there a pattern where you generally end up accepting their thoughts, comments, ideas, decisions? Have you been doing that because of fear or maybe just to have some peace as you might be tired of their subsequent drama if you don’t accept those things?

Part 5 (out of 5) introspection exercise

• If you live with your both parents, have you had arguments where you and your codependent parent try to explain that your other parent is wrong about something, but they see it as an attack on their integrity? Does it happen that they start yelling/crying/blaming you both for being mean or bad and then they end up the supposedly normal conversation with a lot of drama, just leaving like a little baby? Generally ending up crying, blaming both of you for whatever the argument was and just insulting you, directly or indirectly?
• When your parent, mother or father, isn’t right about something and you try to explain to him or her that their attitude towards you or something that they did wasn’t right, do they listen to what you have to say? Or do they twist what you say? Or shift the blame to the situation in itself? Or say that you somehow are the fault of her/his behavior because if you wouldn’t be this or did that, they wouldn’t do/say/act the way they did? Or perhaps he/she has some kind of “memory loss” and discards everything that you say and implies you are actually lying and making fun of him/her? Then he/she gets into a defensive mode, starting to actually find faults in you, and remembering all the bad things you’ve done in life – even though it doesn’t even have anything to do with the current situation. But he/she is just in that till-death “self-defense” mode where he/she blames absolutely everyone and everything but himself/herself. Does that happen?
• Is it already a normal thing for them to always get their way, in practically every situation?

Results

If you can strongly relate to this, then there is a good chance you may have a narcissist parent. The situations described above are closely linked to the signs and traits of narcissistic mothers and fathers, and are common indicators of narcissistic abuse. 

If you’re still not sure, read my previous post on how to tell if your life has always been like this but you just didn’t realise it before, where there are tips and tricks to help you to “go back in time”.

Narcissistic traits, signs and behaviors 

In the previous sets of questions I gave concrete examples of life situations that happen in life with a narcissist parent. Now, I’ll give you a more succinct list of named tactics that are generalised and that can be applied to the infinite possible situations of life. But the point is that they are the same tactics, the same strategies, the same way of processing, that can just be applied in different life situations in different ways – as the tactic are always the same, it’s just the words can be a bit different, the situations, etc.  This way, bellow you can understand the generalised behavior of Narcissistic parents – behavior that they always have in their lives, in the millions of examples of life situations that can happen.  So if you had a feeling that the 5 steps of the sets of questions that you’ve read relate to your family life, then the following list is going to help you to just have a concrete name and a concrete list of specific ways the narcissistic mind operates. So you can use it, print it, write it down on a notebook and always keep present, so you know this by memory. This way, whenever you feel like they are trying to do something, you will immediately realize why they are doing what they are doing or saying this or that.  It’s all in this list. The key is in this list. 

The narcissist parent check-list:

• They micro-manage everything
• They are over-controlling of everything
• There are no boundaries, therefore, they don’t know the word “privacy”
• Give constant restrictions of any kind
• Need all the attention to them
• Are Jealous of everybody, because they demand all the attention
• Their kids are just extensions of themselves for them
• Don’t listen, so they interrupt everyone easily
• Play Mind Games of all sorts and shapes
• Practice all kinds of Manipulation tactics on everybody
• Don’t know how to listen, so they don’t have Arguments, they have Monologues (because in their head they are always right)
• Any argument is an “attack” on them (they see it like that) and so they will fight you back very aggressively, intensely and personally – every fight is like a fight for their life
• They might be happy and proud of you for being complacent and for accepting their opinions. (when in reality, there is no good in that, but they love when there is only their opinion on everything – don’t fall for this lie)
• There is no real freedom to pursue what you like (only what they think is good, is good). Again, they will drag you to believe that you get better off with something of their liking (manipulation tactics alert!)
• Always blame you for everything bad that happens in their life
• Make you doubt your own reality, as if they have memory loses to things they did or said, making you feel like you are the one who is crazy. Aka gaslighting.
• Blame you for their own problems – the easiest excuse is “do you know how hard it is to grow a child?!”. Or “I have done so much for you and now this and that bla bla bla”
• They make it seem as if taking care of basic needs of a child is something of extraordinary matters.
• Somehow you can’t make your own decisions without “consulting” them first (and being manipulated in the end to do exactly what they want)
• Whenever they’re in a bad mood, everyone is dragged down the same road
• There seems to be always drama around them. Every day there is some kind of argument. Even a trip to the shopping mall can end up badly, with them criticizing the cashier.
• They always play the victim, in every situation. Just dare to say they are wrong, and you will be fiercely met with fists and teeth, and at the end, a classical crying of the “victim”.
• Too often, they always blame you for not showing enough love for them. But do they show theirs?
• Criticise everyone, but you can’t criticise them, ever.
• Guilt, Blame and Shame tactics in all forms and situations is an everyday thing.

Just remember: they have very low self‑esteem, and they need constant attention, love, and appreciation. They need to feel that they are always right, always correct, and that you will always remain their “baby” — an extension or projection of themselves. Keep this in mind when you feel they are being “mean,” because they don’t actually perceive their behaviour that way.

Always keep in mind that the root of this behaviour is simple: a lack of proper love, attention, and appreciation during their own childhood. Because of these early deficits, they now overcompensate — often excessively and endlessly — trying to fill the emotional losses they never resolved.

Results after testing

If all of the above behaviour strongly resembles your mother or father, then you may be experiencing narcissistic patterns or narcissistic abuse within your family. You can now compare those answers with this more direct narcissistic mother traits and tactics checklist.

According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, you can often identify narcissistic tendencies when a person consistently matches a cluster of specific traits and behaviours.

A Narcissist is a person who lacks empathy, who’s really entitled meaning they expect special treatment to be given to them but nobody else, they are very grandiose, they harbour huge fantasies, they only want to affiliate with people they think that are as cool or as interesting as they are; they’re very superficial – very concerned with their appearance and the people around them. (…) They don’t regulate their emotions very well, they are very prone to throwing tantrums, getting angry very quickly especially if they don’t get their way; very hyper-sensitive to criticism. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Clinical Psychologist

This way, if you can very much relate to everything that was said up until this point, then you know your answer.

Why is the narcissist parent this way?

Narcissistic parents are extremely terrified by their kid’s independency, as for them, their kids are a source of needs and wishes met. They use (and abuse) their kids with their attachment and need for attention, love, absolute devotion, etc. Their need for total and complete acceptance from their kids is intense. And if that doesn’t happen, they will use their famous above-mentioned tactics of emotional abuse (good article by Psychology Today) to get their way with them, famously applying their guilt and blame tactics. Again, narcissistic mothers or fathers consider their kids a means to their needs being met. So, they have no boundaries. That is why they do the things they do in the above list. However, all that is done is not completely conscious, as it is the result of their own childhood, as there was that lack of love, good parenting, good support, emotional support, lots of empathy, etc. Because they didn’t have supporting parents that understood the child’s emotional needs, now they try to find that missing love, and their kids are the way they fulfil that need. But they don’t understand what they are doing. For them, many times, their behavior is not considered abusive. Unfortunately, they never think like they might be wrong or doing something bad for someone else. They can’t feel that normal empathy normal people feel.

The root of the problem – their childhood

Their parents could be also narcissists, but not always. They might have just been distant due to work, stress, depression, divorce, multiple partners, abuse of substances, or just weren’t prepared to have kids yet. And generally, the grand feature that surrounded these emotionally absent parents, was that they were present to critique and praise their kids for social achievements, like grades, clothes, sports, music, etc. But then when it came down to actually being there for the kid when they needed emotional support, they weren’t. These kids ended up not developing their inner world, only focusing on the outer one to gain love from their parents. That is the reason they now don’t know how to be empathetic to others and that is why they don’t really see their behavior bad to others.

Many times, they might not know the things they are making you deal with. They might genuinely believe they are always the victim, always feeling attacked whenever you don’t listen to them, whenever they try to tell you their opinions and you don’t like it. There is a lot of unconscious behaviour due to the bad parenting.

Freud’s clinical uses of the narcissism concept have stimulated important contemporary clinical advances in understanding the etiology of narcissistic disturbance. This etiology will often involve difficulties originating in the separation-individuation phase of infant development that lead to conflict surrounding issues of dependency versus autonomy and difficulties originating in unempathic parenting (particularly mothering) in which the parent uses the narcissistically cathected child to fulfill her or his own unsatisfied needs for admiration, praise, recognition, and achievement (Kernberg, 1975; Kohut, 1971; Mahler, 1972; Mahler & Kaplan, 1977; Miller, 1981) – From the “A Principal-Components Analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and Further Evidence of Its Construct Validity” by Robert Raskin and Howard Terry

If you are still a bit confused and want to read more to really know if your mother or father is really a Narcissist, I highly suggest reading my previous post on it. There I give tips on how to check if there is really a problem in your family or not, by yourself. As who can help you better than firstly yourself? That is why introspection is key.

Final thoughts

I want to wish you a lot of strength and self-reflection. Also practicing self-love and building self-confidence will be a key ingredient if you have Narcissistic Parents. It will be a journey of self-loving and self-educating yourself.  

It is very important to explore this, because without being fully aware of your family issues and your family dynamics, you can fall into the same trap as your narcissistic parent.

Life is all about our early childhood years. And if we don’t acknowledge what we missed back then, we will repeat the same mistakes with our children and our loved ones. 

I haven’t gone into detail here about the long‑term effects of growing up in a narcissistic family — that will be part of a future post — but you may already recognise that it leaves marks on you.

That is why self-love and self-re-education are essential. Understanding yourself, your history, and your emotional patterns is a key part of healing.

Of course, this is not personal medical advice. This information is meant to help you reflect, process, and understand whether something in your family dynamic feels unhealthy. Speaking with a qualified mental‑health professional can be very important — either on your own or, if possible, with your family. Sometimes, though, it’s difficult to involve them, especially if they don’t believe anything is wrong. If that’s the case, it’s still crucial to understand how their behaviour has affected you and what emotional marks you carry from their parenting.

This way, depending on your own unique life situations, they can help you overcome some of the behaviours you might have adopted because of your narcissistic parent, which then can give you problems in the future with your relationships, your kids, your co-workers, etc., if they go unnoticed and unresolved. 

You will probably never be able to change your parent’s behavior if they don’t want to.
But you can at least change your own.
And that will be a great blessing to your kids and the people around you. And most importantly, yourself.  

Recognising the behaviour is only the first stage. The next is learning how to deal with a narcissistic parent without repeatedly arguing, explaining or surrendering your boundaries.